I relate to this SO much! Every time a big bill comes up, or a big purchase, I think to myself, “damn, I need to get a job.” But that’s not what I want at all. For the first time in my life, I finally feel free and have the immense joy of being able to tap into my creativity and experiment with passions and hobbies. I’m walking in a dream. I never thought I would be so lucky to get to do this. And of course above all, I’m so happy to be there for my kids and watch them grow every second. I’m also exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed by the constant needs and pure chaos of my toddlers. It’s a trip. I also just weaned my almost two year old and that’s been interesting lol.
Naomi! What a lovely experience to connect with you here. I feel like we're both really in it. 😂 It IS a trip, isn't it? The overwhelming guilt coupled with gratitude, the boredom, the simple joys, the constant wondering if this is the right choice not only for us but our family...it's a lot to hold!
Thank you for being here and sharing your story! I've saved your post about your workout routine post-baby and am looking forward to going back and reading it. Reclaiming my vitality and physical health has been a definite challenge but something I'm bringing more attention to as it's time!
I stayed at home when my boys were small but constantly felt tempted by jobs. I don't think it helps that society at large dismisses the importance of raising our children...
Whew! Glad to know I'm not alone...Just yesterday the local bookstore (within walking distance) advertised they're looking for part-time help. SO TEMPTING. 😅
Good golly, let me know where I can find a job opportunity like that! Haha. Remote + travel + $80k per year...sounds like the full package ;)
Thank you for sharing your fears, and I'm sure you're making the right decisions. You haven't gone wrong thus far! Keen to see how this rearranging of your life and priorities unfolds x
I know, right? There's something so tempting for me about letting someone else (a job, person, circumstance, etc.) be in charge of giving me what I want rather than taking responsibility and creating it for myself. I'm leaning into that inquiry around personal power and self-belief a lot these days!
I feel every word of that. Viscerally haha. I think you and I both will be taking some big strides this year in terms of reclaiming personal power, belief, and responsibility...Stoked to have you in the same boat x
Mariah I can’t tell you how emotional this made me when I read it. I’m in the exact same boat (not as a parent) but having been an entrepreneur for 3 years and stepping away from what I was doing before to follow my heart more so as a writer. I keep wondering ‘should’ I get a job so I feel like how I ‘should’ feel or, do I take this time, this gift that life has offered me to be still, and follow my dream.
Something I listened to Alan Watts say this morning was “everything and something can only ever come from nothing” (another great synchronicity with us!), just as writers, to write our next page, we must start with a blank page, knowing we have all the pages before as our foundation, as a reference point to turn back to.
This is your time and I can’t wait to see what giving yourself the permission and space for that small voice creates for you. Thank you also for being a mirror and validation for that voice in me. 💙
Oh, Emma. There are so many "shoulds" in life, aren't there? Your poetry is so powerful, I'm grateful you're giving it more space in your life and can't wait to see what unfolds from that journey!
And yet, it is hard and I want to leave room for myself and others to 100% feel valid in "going back to work" whatever that looks like for them because sometimes we really do need the security and safety of a fixed income. There's no right answer, is there?
But I agree with you, if life is giving us this time as a gift, who are we to reject it in favor of the safer path?
I'm walking beside you, whatever you choose and am so glad we get to explore all these things together!
P.S. I love Alan Watts. This song was playing as I was writing this letter and offered further confirmation/synchronicity 😊
I appreciate your beautiful words in your beautiful pictures and I can relate in some ways of what you’re going through although I am not a stay at home mom as my son is in the Navy and is 25 years old. I am a very lucky mommy. I left a hospital after 21 years as they’ve tried to force me to get the booster vaccine and I declined I’ve had brain surgery in the past and did not want to have this in my body. I work for this hospital for 21 years, so it was definitely hard to make the decision. I can say now having been two years now I made the right one as I walk in the forest three days a week and look at the trees in the birds, and really am taking in nature as I never saw it look like this before so beautiful every little leaf on the ground I’m so thankful and grateful to be alive more so than what I worked in the hospital I was not thriving as a human there. I need money and have a supportive husband and I am thinking of possibly going back to work in a different field. I’m just scared as I am in my 50s and it’s not as easy out there so again I appreciate you opening up on going back to work
Wow, Jenni! What an experience. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like I'm walking in the forest beside you and can feel the awe and wonder as you observe it all! What a gift.
Balancing the need for security and safety with our soul's need for a life where we can thrive is so challenging in our current society. My hope is that by sharing each other's stories we can create new ways of being and opportunities to do it differently, not only on an individual level but a collective one, too.
Our stories are powerful and I believe you're on the right path meant for you. I'd love to hear how it continues to unfold for you! 💗
This all resonates so deeply! My first is 8 months old, my husband lost his job a few months ago, and we have had some big conversations around how comfortable we are with the heaviness of financial difficulty (how long are we willing to prioritize our passions and interests over taking whatever $ we can get?). I never expected to be a stay at home mom (truly, never), but as soon as my son was born it felt like my calling. For now, at least. I have had moments of seeing job postings that catch my eye, but then always end up noticing that I don't feel very enthusiastic, because it's not what I really want right now.
Thank you for sharing your journey, Miriam! This early season of motherhood is just...wow. Words fail to really capture it, don't they?
I also thought I would be a stay-at-home mom very temporarily but can't bear the thought of sending him to daycare yet. And I'm really enjoying/appreciating this time to "figure out" and invest in my creativity.
Glad you're taking it one day at a time, you're not alone! 💗
I loved this piece and I saw myself in what you wrote! I wish I had the answer... for you, for me and for many others moms out there, swimming in the same dilemma! Good luck, to all of us!
A fantastic post Mariah and I relate to so much of what you say. Especially the bit about is it even work if I'm not getting paid and it feeling like a frivolous hobby. That's the bit that is tricky. I worked part time for 5 years when my eldest two were little (they are 9 and 6 now) and in all honesty when I look back I think why did I do that, all my salary went on childcare and the stress of juggling work and the kids felt like a lot, even though my job wasn't stressful. I gave up my job in the pandemic because I found it hard going back after having a long period of bereavement leave after my Dad passed away. I retrained as a Coach and have been doing that ever since. Since having my 3rd child (he'll be 2 in may) I realised that childcare costs with 3 kids would mean I'd be paying to go to work so I'm a stay at home mum and doing my coaching biz around the kids. Honestly, I'm much happier being a stay at home mum. I'm lucky my husband can support us but obviously it means that money can be tight, we don't go on holiday or spend lots. I plan on going back to work part time once my youngest is in full time school, we'll see. I soothe my nervous system by making sure I take regular time to do things I love like reading, journalling and crochet. X
Thank you for sharing your story, Jenna. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father. Mine passed away right before Christmas in 2020 and the grief I feel is ongoing. 💗
We pay for a babysitter to watch Noah three mornings a week (just added a fourth) so I can write and invest in this new career path but sometimes I feel like that's money "in the hole" so to speak until I can at least cover the cost of childcare. A helpful reframe for me is thinking about how much money and time I invested in my nursing career (5 years of schooling + lots of time volunteering before that) before I ever earned a dime in return from my first job as a nurse. Technically, I'm still "in the hole" for that investment, too as I still owe 20k on student loans 😂
I'm glad you're able to provide coaching and focus it toward other mamas, what a gift! Thank you for your presence here. 🙏
Thank you and I'm so sorry about your Dad too - absolutely, it's always there isn't it, the grief. It's just over 4 years since my Dad passed away and I still think that he's kind of gone somewhere for a while and he will be back. It's so hard to process and accept.
That's great that you have childcare so you can focus on your new career path - I totally get that about paying for the childcare before you are earning, it's hard isn't it because if you don't have the childcare it's very hard to gain traction. A great re-frame too, also got about the same to pay back in student loans too!! Thank you! X
I burnt out raising four children, two step children and trying to work. Although I was able to 'give up work' I still supported my husband working from home as an osteopath. After I stopped my nursing career I lost my financial independence. That's now hitting me as he gets older and is starting to slow down and I have no income of my own. I retrained in NLP and became a Life Coach but it was only ever part time as there were always too many other pulls on me. I was astonished when talking to my NLP teacher about my work (bringing up the children and doing all the domestics). he said he didn't think of that as work!
I soothe my nervous system by long walks most mornings and solitude. Time on my own allows me to recharge. I have recently booked some massages. 😊
But even now, knowing I have made myself quite vulnerable financially, I still wish I had not worked and instead focused on the children. With all my heart I wish I had known then what I now know. That children need that attachment to their parents and that being well regulated parents we pass that on to our children. This is how it should be. I am not against mums working but sadly, our systems are set up to keep the economy rolling and not to support healthy, happy humans.
Wishing you success in finding the solutions that work for you and your family Mariah. 💜
Thank you for sharing your story, Karen! I can relate to your experience as a nurse, too.
I agree that the systems aren't in place to support moms (parents, caregivers, etc.) to help us raise healthy and well attached children. Even when we try, in the current culture it can cost us our own mental health + wellbeing and can be extremely hard to stay regulated.
It's an ongoing journey I'm committed to walking with as much awareness and compassion as possible while doing my best to set a good example for Noah.
I'm curious how your relationship is to your children now and their perspective of you as a mom? Have you been able to reconcile any of your regrets and offer yourself grace for doing your best?
I have a good relationship with all of them. They are lovely people. We still have three adult sons at home which is fine but I am ready for them to go. 😀 They don't seem to hold any negativity about my parenting but one of them struggles with us in terms of his own issues. I am still working through the guilt I feel for mistakes I made which was complicated by the death of my eldest in a car crash sixteen years ago. Grace maybe a little way off but I can certainly see the progress I made as I became a better parent. 😁
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I can only imagine how hard that must be. And yes...grace is hard isn't it? Being imperfect, messy humans, knowing that sometimes we harm the ones we love the most is something I'm not sure I'll ever be okay with.
I relate to this SO much! Every time a big bill comes up, or a big purchase, I think to myself, “damn, I need to get a job.” But that’s not what I want at all. For the first time in my life, I finally feel free and have the immense joy of being able to tap into my creativity and experiment with passions and hobbies. I’m walking in a dream. I never thought I would be so lucky to get to do this. And of course above all, I’m so happy to be there for my kids and watch them grow every second. I’m also exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed by the constant needs and pure chaos of my toddlers. It’s a trip. I also just weaned my almost two year old and that’s been interesting lol.
Naomi! What a lovely experience to connect with you here. I feel like we're both really in it. 😂 It IS a trip, isn't it? The overwhelming guilt coupled with gratitude, the boredom, the simple joys, the constant wondering if this is the right choice not only for us but our family...it's a lot to hold!
Thank you for being here and sharing your story! I've saved your post about your workout routine post-baby and am looking forward to going back and reading it. Reclaiming my vitality and physical health has been a definite challenge but something I'm bringing more attention to as it's time!
Lol yes to all of this!!!!!
I stayed at home when my boys were small but constantly felt tempted by jobs. I don't think it helps that society at large dismisses the importance of raising our children...
Whew! Glad to know I'm not alone...Just yesterday the local bookstore (within walking distance) advertised they're looking for part-time help. SO TEMPTING. 😅
YES 100%! It's such a strange dichotomous feeling to feel so overlooked while doing something so fulfilling and valuable.
I completely agree!
Good golly, let me know where I can find a job opportunity like that! Haha. Remote + travel + $80k per year...sounds like the full package ;)
Thank you for sharing your fears, and I'm sure you're making the right decisions. You haven't gone wrong thus far! Keen to see how this rearranging of your life and priorities unfolds x
I know, right? There's something so tempting for me about letting someone else (a job, person, circumstance, etc.) be in charge of giving me what I want rather than taking responsibility and creating it for myself. I'm leaning into that inquiry around personal power and self-belief a lot these days!
I feel every word of that. Viscerally haha. I think you and I both will be taking some big strides this year in terms of reclaiming personal power, belief, and responsibility...Stoked to have you in the same boat x
Yes, 100%. I'm stoked to be on this over-decade long journey with you! 💗😊
Mariah I can’t tell you how emotional this made me when I read it. I’m in the exact same boat (not as a parent) but having been an entrepreneur for 3 years and stepping away from what I was doing before to follow my heart more so as a writer. I keep wondering ‘should’ I get a job so I feel like how I ‘should’ feel or, do I take this time, this gift that life has offered me to be still, and follow my dream.
Something I listened to Alan Watts say this morning was “everything and something can only ever come from nothing” (another great synchronicity with us!), just as writers, to write our next page, we must start with a blank page, knowing we have all the pages before as our foundation, as a reference point to turn back to.
This is your time and I can’t wait to see what giving yourself the permission and space for that small voice creates for you. Thank you also for being a mirror and validation for that voice in me. 💙
Oh, Emma. There are so many "shoulds" in life, aren't there? Your poetry is so powerful, I'm grateful you're giving it more space in your life and can't wait to see what unfolds from that journey!
And yet, it is hard and I want to leave room for myself and others to 100% feel valid in "going back to work" whatever that looks like for them because sometimes we really do need the security and safety of a fixed income. There's no right answer, is there?
But I agree with you, if life is giving us this time as a gift, who are we to reject it in favor of the safer path?
I'm walking beside you, whatever you choose and am so glad we get to explore all these things together!
P.S. I love Alan Watts. This song was playing as I was writing this letter and offered further confirmation/synchronicity 😊
https://open.spotify.com/track/3h8aMAhZ021XajpFThVsRK?si=19b0140a253d49f8
Totally agree with you there. Beautiful! "you might as well take a chance on doing what you love" amen to that. 💖
I appreciate your beautiful words in your beautiful pictures and I can relate in some ways of what you’re going through although I am not a stay at home mom as my son is in the Navy and is 25 years old. I am a very lucky mommy. I left a hospital after 21 years as they’ve tried to force me to get the booster vaccine and I declined I’ve had brain surgery in the past and did not want to have this in my body. I work for this hospital for 21 years, so it was definitely hard to make the decision. I can say now having been two years now I made the right one as I walk in the forest three days a week and look at the trees in the birds, and really am taking in nature as I never saw it look like this before so beautiful every little leaf on the ground I’m so thankful and grateful to be alive more so than what I worked in the hospital I was not thriving as a human there. I need money and have a supportive husband and I am thinking of possibly going back to work in a different field. I’m just scared as I am in my 50s and it’s not as easy out there so again I appreciate you opening up on going back to work
Wow, Jenni! What an experience. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like I'm walking in the forest beside you and can feel the awe and wonder as you observe it all! What a gift.
Balancing the need for security and safety with our soul's need for a life where we can thrive is so challenging in our current society. My hope is that by sharing each other's stories we can create new ways of being and opportunities to do it differently, not only on an individual level but a collective one, too.
Our stories are powerful and I believe you're on the right path meant for you. I'd love to hear how it continues to unfold for you! 💗
This all resonates so deeply! My first is 8 months old, my husband lost his job a few months ago, and we have had some big conversations around how comfortable we are with the heaviness of financial difficulty (how long are we willing to prioritize our passions and interests over taking whatever $ we can get?). I never expected to be a stay at home mom (truly, never), but as soon as my son was born it felt like my calling. For now, at least. I have had moments of seeing job postings that catch my eye, but then always end up noticing that I don't feel very enthusiastic, because it's not what I really want right now.
My peace comes from taking it one day, one season at a time. I just shared a few of my reflections on this journey a few days ago: https://miriamcruz.substack.com/p/my-motherhood-identity-crisis
Thank you for sharing your journey, Miriam! This early season of motherhood is just...wow. Words fail to really capture it, don't they?
I also thought I would be a stay-at-home mom very temporarily but can't bear the thought of sending him to daycare yet. And I'm really enjoying/appreciating this time to "figure out" and invest in my creativity.
Glad you're taking it one day at a time, you're not alone! 💗
I loved this piece and I saw myself in what you wrote! I wish I had the answer... for you, for me and for many others moms out there, swimming in the same dilemma! Good luck, to all of us!
Thank you, Valeria! I'm glad it resonated with you and I hope it makes us all feel less alone!
A fantastic post Mariah and I relate to so much of what you say. Especially the bit about is it even work if I'm not getting paid and it feeling like a frivolous hobby. That's the bit that is tricky. I worked part time for 5 years when my eldest two were little (they are 9 and 6 now) and in all honesty when I look back I think why did I do that, all my salary went on childcare and the stress of juggling work and the kids felt like a lot, even though my job wasn't stressful. I gave up my job in the pandemic because I found it hard going back after having a long period of bereavement leave after my Dad passed away. I retrained as a Coach and have been doing that ever since. Since having my 3rd child (he'll be 2 in may) I realised that childcare costs with 3 kids would mean I'd be paying to go to work so I'm a stay at home mum and doing my coaching biz around the kids. Honestly, I'm much happier being a stay at home mum. I'm lucky my husband can support us but obviously it means that money can be tight, we don't go on holiday or spend lots. I plan on going back to work part time once my youngest is in full time school, we'll see. I soothe my nervous system by making sure I take regular time to do things I love like reading, journalling and crochet. X
Thank you for sharing your story, Jenna. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father. Mine passed away right before Christmas in 2020 and the grief I feel is ongoing. 💗
We pay for a babysitter to watch Noah three mornings a week (just added a fourth) so I can write and invest in this new career path but sometimes I feel like that's money "in the hole" so to speak until I can at least cover the cost of childcare. A helpful reframe for me is thinking about how much money and time I invested in my nursing career (5 years of schooling + lots of time volunteering before that) before I ever earned a dime in return from my first job as a nurse. Technically, I'm still "in the hole" for that investment, too as I still owe 20k on student loans 😂
I'm glad you're able to provide coaching and focus it toward other mamas, what a gift! Thank you for your presence here. 🙏
Thank you and I'm so sorry about your Dad too - absolutely, it's always there isn't it, the grief. It's just over 4 years since my Dad passed away and I still think that he's kind of gone somewhere for a while and he will be back. It's so hard to process and accept.
That's great that you have childcare so you can focus on your new career path - I totally get that about paying for the childcare before you are earning, it's hard isn't it because if you don't have the childcare it's very hard to gain traction. A great re-frame too, also got about the same to pay back in student loans too!! Thank you! X
I burnt out raising four children, two step children and trying to work. Although I was able to 'give up work' I still supported my husband working from home as an osteopath. After I stopped my nursing career I lost my financial independence. That's now hitting me as he gets older and is starting to slow down and I have no income of my own. I retrained in NLP and became a Life Coach but it was only ever part time as there were always too many other pulls on me. I was astonished when talking to my NLP teacher about my work (bringing up the children and doing all the domestics). he said he didn't think of that as work!
I soothe my nervous system by long walks most mornings and solitude. Time on my own allows me to recharge. I have recently booked some massages. 😊
But even now, knowing I have made myself quite vulnerable financially, I still wish I had not worked and instead focused on the children. With all my heart I wish I had known then what I now know. That children need that attachment to their parents and that being well regulated parents we pass that on to our children. This is how it should be. I am not against mums working but sadly, our systems are set up to keep the economy rolling and not to support healthy, happy humans.
Wishing you success in finding the solutions that work for you and your family Mariah. 💜
Thank you for sharing your story, Karen! I can relate to your experience as a nurse, too.
I agree that the systems aren't in place to support moms (parents, caregivers, etc.) to help us raise healthy and well attached children. Even when we try, in the current culture it can cost us our own mental health + wellbeing and can be extremely hard to stay regulated.
It's an ongoing journey I'm committed to walking with as much awareness and compassion as possible while doing my best to set a good example for Noah.
I'm curious how your relationship is to your children now and their perspective of you as a mom? Have you been able to reconcile any of your regrets and offer yourself grace for doing your best?
I have a good relationship with all of them. They are lovely people. We still have three adult sons at home which is fine but I am ready for them to go. 😀 They don't seem to hold any negativity about my parenting but one of them struggles with us in terms of his own issues. I am still working through the guilt I feel for mistakes I made which was complicated by the death of my eldest in a car crash sixteen years ago. Grace maybe a little way off but I can certainly see the progress I made as I became a better parent. 😁
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I can only imagine how hard that must be. And yes...grace is hard isn't it? Being imperfect, messy humans, knowing that sometimes we harm the ones we love the most is something I'm not sure I'll ever be okay with.
What I to keep remembering and re-remembering is that I didn't know then what I know now.
Yes. A phrase I repeat often these days is, "It wasn't my fault and I tried my best." Self-compassion/forgiveness is an ongoing practice. 💗