Should I go back to work?

The constant questioning of a stay-at-home mom's nervous system

A week ago, I saw a job posted on LinkedIn that made my heart pitter-patter with the first sign of interest I’ve felt in the two years since becoming a stay-at-home mom.

The salary was impressive (80k +), but more than that, it spoke to my skill set and love for community building. It offered remote work with built-in travel, an ideal mix for someone like me who craves autonomy and connection.

I read and re-read the job description, already crafting the perfect cover letter, explaining how my patchwork quilt resume would be an ideal fit for the role, sharing how I’ve built positions from scratch in the past, that I’m a fast and eager learner, etc., etc.

And then.

The internal conflict began.

I calculated how much more we’d need to pay the babysitter for me to work full-time hours. I wondered if occasional travel would turn into late evenings and weekends away from my toddler. I felt guilty about re-focusing my attention from writing to a government job. 

My nervous system kicked in with a plethora of arguments for and against going back to work.

This has happened before.

When I first quit my job as an I.C.U. nurse in 2013 to take a self-proclaimed sabbatical and travel the world, I had no intention of returning to the profession. 

The morning after I worked my last night shift at the hospital, 2013

In fact, I went back several times. Once as a camp nurse for a summer in Maine, once as a side gig for a medical school coordinating free health screenings, and most recently as the first school nurse at an inner-city charter during the pandemic. 

Each time, I’ve felt a mixture of guilt and relief.

Guilt at “giving up” on my creative endeavors (I’ve been working on finishing my first novel for ten years) and relief at returning to a familiar, acceptable, and financially secure career path.

When I became unexpectedly pregnant with Noah, the timing for me to leave my school nurse position was perfect. My contract ended in May and he was due in June. I told myself I’d take at least three months off to stay at home and then go from there.

Almost twenty months later…Noah is no longer breastfeeding and the question of putting him into daycare is one my partner and I discuss often.

I honestly don’t know what the right answer is.

Staying at home has given me the chance to do what I’ve always hoped for— an opportunity to focus and invest time into my writing and take myself seriously in a career I didn’t go to school for or plan on turning into a profession. 

Yet.

Even now, with the privileges and resources I have (a supportive partner with a stable income and a part-time babysitter), I’m still running scared.

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My nervous system is constantly reminding me that there are no guarantees in this field of work.

Can you even call it work if you’re not getting paid? It asks, highly suspicious that this is anything more than a hobby, a frivolous waste of time with an expiration date, looming.

Should I go back to work?

I asked my husband, in a state of total confusion. 

Honestly, I miss earning money. I miss getting dressed every day and connecting with co-workers. I miss introducing the work I do with the satisfaction that comes with telling people you’re a nurse or another culturally respectable job. While being a stay-at-home mom is something I’m proud of, the response from others is usually a sort of condescending pity with a “good for you” thrown in at the end.

Trust me, I want to talk about my kiddo even less than you want to hear me talk about my kiddo. 

After talking it through with Prasun, we decided that the opportunity to invest in my career as a writer is worth taking, for now. 

Truthfully, it’s a risk and might not pan out. 

Believing in myself and my ability to create something out of nothing demands inner strength and resilience. It means a lot of time spent soothing my nervous system and cultivating a sense of faith and trust. 

It’s not easy.

Yet, I’ve been here before. I’ve chosen the safer route and experienced the relief of a guaranteed paycheck and a socially acceptable occupation. 

I’ve also heard the soft whisper of my heart, wondering, what if?

Today, I am leaning into that hopeful whisper with as much bravery as I can. 

My writing desk, originally my Father’s, who passed in 2020.

Your turn.

1. Are you a stay-at-home parent or caregiver? What has your experience been like?

2. How do you help soothe your nervous system when facing uncertainty?

3. What advice or encouragement can you offer others in a similar position?
   

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