When There's No Guaranteed Payoff

Navigating creative uncertainty after leaving nursing

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Hello.

One of the hardest things for me about leaving a traditional career (nursing) to be a stay-at-home mom while trying to make a living with my writing is the uncertainty of it all.

Nursing school wasn’t easy, by any means. There was the insomnia, the crying in the shower after a tough microbiology exam, barely passing pharmacology (in case you didn’t know, every medication you will ever take comes with the potential side effects of nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea).

Yet there was something that helped me persist—the promise many of us spent thousands of dollars and hard work believing—once I graduated, I was guaranteed a job.

I had little doubt the investment I made in college with my time, energy, and money would pay off.

That’s not true with writing, or any creative pursuit I know of.

The time + energy = money equation doesn’t compute with the kind of repeatability we’re taught to rely on.

All the passion, drive, skill, and time+energy investment might be at 1,000%. Still, the subjectivity of art (and the gatekeeping) means not even traditional publishing houses know what will take off and be successful.

This is probably the biggest obstacle I’m still learning to overcome. Leaning into the possibility of a fulfilling, creative career with determination, while also realizing no matter how much I practice the math and show my work, I might not get results.

So. How does an anxious, “I like guaranteed outcomes before I begin anything” person like me persevere?

A few weeks ago, I wrapped up a third round of querying for my first novel, The Pattern Shop. For non-fiction writers or non-writers, this is a custom letter sent to agents with a one-page description of your book, why you’d like to work with that specific agent, and a short bio.

There are other things to include like the story’s “hook,” intrigue, enough details to entice the agent while still providing some mystery, and credentials that prove you’re a real writer, if you have any.

To date–

• I’ve sent 42 query letters over the last two years

• Received 33 rejections (8 queries are pending a response from the latest round)

• Had one partial manuscript request

…and spent over a decade pouring my heart into this book writing, editing, and revising.

But weirdly, when I sent my last query letter a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t have the heart-pumping, smelly armpit sweating, feeling of dread and impending doom like before.

I felt…hopeful.

Over the last several years, I’ve accepted that unlike a traditional career path (take this many courses for this many credits + apply to these jobs or internships that match), writing (for the joy/beauty/art of it), doesn’t have a roadmap.

Often, this makes me want to give up. Why would I put so much effort into something I’m not sure will ever pay off?

If I’m honest, it’s because I’m not sure I can give up. Writing is like breathing for me, it’s integral to who I am and I suspect, always will be.

But there are other benefits too—learning how to “back” myself instead of waiting for others to do it for me. Cultivating an inner sense of belief and confidence in my ideas. Learning how to “pivot and call it a piourette” with a little bit more grace, each time.

After years of experiencing sleep deprivation+burnout trying to raise a tiny human and prove my worth as a writer, I’m slowly learning to listen to my body and trust—in alignment and perfect timing, in surrendering and receiving help, in the natural ebb and flow of seasons of life.

It also helps to make a clear list of what I can and can’t control.

Can’t control:

• If agents choose to represent my work

• How well my book will sell

• How fast I can “grow” an audience

• If Noah skips his nap or not

• The “market”

• Being afraid

Can control:

• Working on my craft

• Connecting with other writers and exchanging feedback

• Learning new skills by attending workshops, working with editors

• Investing in myself financially (this is still a struggle but it helps me to compare how much money I’m still spending on student loans for a career I’ve since abandoned. When I think about the hundreds, vs. thousands of dollars I’m investing into my writing, it seems a lot more reasonable).

• Self-publishing (YES! So many people do it, and so can I if I want to)

• Being afraid and gently perservering anyway

The intention I set for bringing The Pattern Shop into the world is “Sacred Collaboration.” Getting really clear on how I want to experience this particular effort and the essence I want to focus on has soothed my anxiety tremendously.

Sacred collaboration is the approach I want to take if I work with an agent or assemble my own team of experts (illustrator, copyeditor, designer, etc.) to self-publish. It’s how I want the readers to feel when they open the first page—that they get to be part of a sacred conversation. It’s how I want to open my heart and mind to receive inspiration from Spirit or the Muse.

It’s even how I want to show up for my anxiety and fear.

Surprisingly, when I first graduated from nursing school in 2009, I had the unpleasant difficulty of not finding a job right away. Due to the economic downfall of 2008, the market was flooded with people coming out of retirement and new grads were being passed over for more experienced nurses.

After living in Chicago independently for four years during college, I moved back to Kansas City to share a bedroom with my mom and work a $9.00/hr job as a “home helper” for old people.

It took me six months to land a job working as a float pool nurse, during which time my parents were going through a divorce and our childhood home was put up for sale.

It was extremely challenging financially, mentally, and emotionally but I persisted because I believed that my skills+time+money invested in nursing would pay off.

And eventually, it did.

Maybe nursing and writing aren’t so different, after all.

All my love,
Mariah

Your turn.

I’d love to hear from you!

• Are you navigating the transition from a “traditional” to a more creative career?

• What helps soothe your anxiety about the unknown?

• How are you learning to trust instead of continuing a cycle of burnout?

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