What happens when you write a book about real people...and they find out?
The delicate dance of blending literary fiction with memoir
Hi! If you're new to Heartbeats, welcome. I'm Mariah, and I write about motherhood, creativity, and the messy, beautiful process of becoming. This is part of a new series about my debut novel, The Pattern Shop, where I share detailed excerpts and behind-the-scenes info from my self-publishing journey! 📝
Hello.
Last week, as I began sharing about self-publishing my debut novel, The Pattern Shop something happened that confirmed my worst fears.
My ex-boyfriend, whom the story essentially opens with in Mexico, whom I haven’t spoken to in over 10 years but is still very much featured as a main character in this book…liked my update!
Is he from the place in Mexico where the monarch butterflies migrate to, another symbol repeatedly woven through the book? Yup.
Did I include very real conversations and details from our time together in the first chapter? Mmmhmm. You bet I did.
This has been one of the more challenging and vulnerable parts about sharing a literary fiction novel that began as a memoir, written in the first-person. The places are real. The people are real. The feelings—most of them very real.
And yet.
The story has evolved beyond those experiences to become something more.
When I began writing this story—woven with childhood memories growing up in the Midwest with a faith that taught me it wasn’t safe to leave our small hometown—for fear the end times were near, my grandparents and Dad were still alive. I could ask them questions about my upbringing and capture their wisdom in those early drafts, when I was still learning how to see the patterns that shaped what The Pattern Shop became.
Now that they’re gone, I’m left with the task of honoring their legacy while still sharing my truth, something that feels so delicate, and tender.
My Dad knew about my book while he was still alive, and I’m so grateful that he actually read passages and encouraged me to keep writing. As I get closer to self-publishing, his generous words have steadied my heart, “Don’t worry about embarrassing me. It’s okay to write the truth,” he said.
“We are the generation that tells the TRUTH,” my cousin, who read an early copy, confirmed.
And what I want, more than anything, is for the truth to heal. To set us free, to be something we can hold in our hands and see how it’s shaped us without regret. To let that healing echo forwards and backwards through time.
Still, there’s the possibility that by sharing MY truth it might hurt the ones I love(d) the most, something I’ve been wrestling with as it gets closer to The Pattern Shop’s publication. Seeing my ex like my status made all of the potential impact that much more real.
“It’s not about the boy!” another one of my friends reminded me, after reading an early draft of the synopsis.
No, it’s not about the boy. It’s about the main character, Eleanorah, finding and losing her way through her travels, relationships, and choices over and over again until she finally comes home to herself. But those relationships DO shape her. And it’s also not not about the boy, you know what I mean?
This week, I’m sharing an excerpt from the first chapter, where Eleanorah is taking a break from nursing school to study abroad in Mexico, inspired by the story of the monarch butterfly migration her grandfather told her about when she was young (to hear this story and meet her grandfather’s pattern shop, start here).
While already familiar, Eleanorah and Andrés (the character based on my ex), are still getting to know each other and Eleanorah is trying to determine how much to share, how close is safe?
🎶To go along with The Pattern Shop, I’ve made a special playlist for each section of the book, pairing the music I actually listened to during the time these stories took place. La Soledad (solitude) is the first playlist. I hope you begin to feel immersed in Eleanorah’s world and that it brings you back to yourself in new ways.
(My favorite song to pair with this excerpt is “Fidelity,” by Regina Spektor).
Excerpt from La Soledad, from The Pattern Shop
“Mom!” Eleanorah cried, barely a whisper above the hum of the air conditioning.
“¿Estás bien?”
Someone was tapping her shoulder. She batted her eyelashes open and looked around. Her sense of smell came back first. Dried sweat. Mango juice. Hand sanitizer. Hair gel.
She was holding her knees to her chest, curled in a fetal position, shivering. It must have been another bad dream. She’d had them as a child, nightmares about snakes crawling on the ceiling, only to wake up to the sound of slithering above her head. Were they dreams or a memory?“I think so,” she answered groggily, unfolding her limbs and straightening them out again.
“Are you sure?” Andrés’ eyes were full of concern.
“Yeah. Sí,” she said, embarrassed that he’d seen her that way. “I’m alright. I must’ve slept longer than I thought. What time is it? Are we almost back to the hotel?”
“Sí, señorita,” his face relaxed. “We’re the last ones. Everyone else is already gone, looking for a taqueria for dinner. If we hurry we can join them. Do you want to go?”
She looked around the empty bus gratefully. The driver was the only one still seated toward the front, eyeing them impatiently. “Nah. It might be nice to hang back this time.”
“You read my mind. So…” He gestured whimsically. “¿Adonde vamos?”Street lamps flickered on. Dark green Eucalyptus and tall Cypress trees lowered themselves with a bow over stone pathways, their branches arching and swaying like the spine of an old man bent toward the inevitable fate of gravity. The city was aged, but not lifeless. Defied, not defeated.
Its landscape was unfamiliar but she knew it, somehow. The wide avenues and the hum of electricity in the air. The open-air smell of marketplaces where chickens lost their heads; the honeyed fragrance of purple blooming Jacaranda trees. She took it all in, a palette of sounds and sights she painted on her body, invisible tattoos in secret places only she could recall.
The line, “Were they dreams or a memory?” relates to the author’s note at the front of the book, “Though this is a work of fiction, the stories in this book are all true. As true as memory can distinguish fact from fantasy, as true as a one-sided story can be told with any degree of accuracy. Our memories, like reality, weave between imagined and lived experience. This book is the dance between them.”
While I chose not to reach out to my ex (at least not yet!) I did have a conversation with my mom that went well. Whether she reads the book or not, I wanted her to know that the stories are a snapshot of our relationship during a specific time, not a reflection of our current relationship.
Ultimately, I hope to honor my experiences while recognizing the fictional nature of recollection and one person’s perspective. The villains and heroes in our stories get to change, even if we pen them down with our words to a certain time and space.
We get to change, too.
Self-publishing updates
After sending a brief to 5 cover designers through Reedsy, I had a great conversation with Peter, who I’ve hired to work on The Pattern Shop. I messaged the other designers back and forth, but ultimately, having a voice-to-voice conversation was so much more helpful in helping me decide who I wanted to collaborate with.
Peter had several ideas to discuss and had already done research on possible images. He was also open to my feedback, honest with his assessment, and spent a lot of time answering questions without making me feel dumb! He’ll start working on concepts and we’ll revise them until we both come up with a cover we love!
Total cost: $825 which includes: e-book, paperback, hardcover design and 3D mock-up.
I finished my final revision of The Pattern Shop and received “light” developmental feedback from Eva about my prologue! Here’s some of what she had to say:
“What’s so effective here is the balance between warmth and unease. This is a prologue steeped in love and intimacy—Ellie’s closeness to her grandfather, her grandmother’s lingering sadness, the memory of flowers and butterflies—but danger is woven in between those tender moments. The sharpness of the saws, the strict rules, the way Ellie feels on the outside of family secrets… it’s all there, humming beneath the surface.”
Eeeek! It’s so vulnerable to hand this story over to a complete stranger to evaluate, but I’m thrilled at the reception so far.
Total cost for a light developmental edit, followed by a thorough copy-edit: $1650.74
I’ve decided to print some copies from a local printer (hardback will be “case laminate” instead of “dust jacket” which I had to look up the difference!) so I can gift copies to friends/family and have some on hand to send to you! Next steps will be reaching out with quotes/dimensions and making sure they align with Peter’s designs.
I’ll also begin the process of setting up IngramSpark, a print-on-demand platform similar to Amazon, and purchasing an ISBN or several for the different book formats.
What else would you like to know about the process? I’ll try to include totals with each step, so you have a tangible idea of cost and how it’s all coming together!
Thank you for letting me share these stories with you.
All my love,
Mariah
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Cheering you on, Mariah. xo
Bravo Mariah 👏