The practice of sacred witnessing
An alternative to "fixing" ourselves and others
Welcome. If you’re new here, I’m a writer, new mama, and grieving daughter, exploring what it means to fully embrace the creative messiness of life. I share whole-hearted, weekly reflections to help us remember our shared humanity. Thank you for being here. 💞
Hello.
There’s been a lot on my mind this week, insights plucked from podcasts and memories, conversations with my husband and quiet meanderings on the porch swing. I’ve noticed a craving for more intellectual stimulation lately, a sharpening of wit placed on the backburner. It’s going on sixteen months of full-time caregiving for our little one and with the pandemic preceding his arrival, I can feel the isolation taking a cumulative toll.
A benefit to the current rhythm of our days is I have a lot of time to ruminate, to gather ideas and collect musings. The downside is I don’t always have the capacity to arrange them carefully or let them steep until brewed to perfection. All of that to say, this week’s letter may be a bit random. However, I’m dedicated to showing up in this space fully transparent in my humanity, trusting you will find what resonates.
I recently had the honor of reading a beautiful and raw confession from
, which made me realize the gift in holding sacred space for others in our witnessing.
Brené Brown talks about this in a short video about the difference between sympathy and empathy.
“Empathy is this kind of sacred space when someone's kind of in a deep hole and they shout out from the bottom and they say, ‘I'm stuck, it's dark, I'm overwhelmed,’ and then we look and we say, ‘Hey,’ and we climb down, ‘I know what it's like down here and you're not alone.’”
-Brené Brown
This isn’t easy for me, at all.
A recent argument with my husband brought my “fixer” tendencies to light. Airing my frustration, I heard myself say, “I care about you and I just want you to be happy. I’m willing to do anything for the people I love to make them happy but when it doesn’t work, I don’t know what else to do.”
Yikes.
This habit of mine has roots in childhood, a repeated pattern of failure, resentment, and exhaustion played out in many circumstances and relationships.
I’m an Enneagram two, a trained nurse, and the firstborn daughter of three, so I naturally want to take charge and “make things better” for people. But my husband isn’t asking me for that. He’s not making me responsible for his happiness, so why am I?
As a young nurse working nights in the I.C.U., I had an experience with a patient I’ll never forget. I was caring for an elderly woman who recently had back surgery for chronic pain. She was frail, bone thin, and in excruciating discomfort. Nothing I could do was helping. Already maxed out on her pain medicine, I called the doctor to see if there was anything more we could try. “She’s on enough medication to tranquilize a horse,” he retorted. “We can’t give her anything more.”
I was devastated. The woman was shouting in agony and I had nothing more to offer except my presence. I couldn’t fix it or make her better. All I could do was stand beside her bed and hold her hand until morning came.
That moment changed what I thought I could accomplish as a nurse. I realized that “fixing” and “caring” are two very different actions. It took me to the edge of my limits as a professional and asked me to stay there, in sacred witnessing.
After reading Lauren’s story about the challenges of navigating her relationship and motherhood, I realized the point of her sharing wasn’t so we could offer advice, or even sympathy. She simply needed to be witnessed in this tender season of life.
Whether it’s our partner, friend, loved one, or our creativity, how often do we bypass presence and head straight for productivity?
How often do we go to battle with experiences of frustration, pain, or anxiety instead of holding space for them? How quickly do we jump to defend our points of view when someone else’s contradicts our own instead of listening? Why do we bulldoze through obstacles meant to slow us down instead of considering another path?
Witnessing is vulnerable. It does not have an escape route built in. There’s no guaranteed outcome or timeframe involved.
Sacred witnessing isn’t asking us to be the hero, the problem solver, the one everyone turns to for help.
It doesn’t offer congratulations, validation, or brownie points.
Sacred witnessing sees with eyes fully open and hears with a soft and tender heart. It feels the pain of others as one’s own and sits beside them in that discomfort.
It knows that sometimes there are no answers, only questions.
There’s a poignant power to witnessing. A holy clarity, a deep current of connection forged through time when we allow ourselves to see and be seen.
My prayer is that you allow yourself that gift this week.
All my love,
Mariah
This week’s invitation.
Loved one, how can you offer yourself the gift of sacred witnessing, for all you are and all you are becoming? How might you soften your defenses so that you can be fully present?
What care might you offer your body and mind in order to build the capacity for witnessing?
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Beautiful! I also love that video from Brene Brown 💛
Mariah, I love the way you've shared listening as sacred witnessing.
"how can you offer yourself the gift of sacred witnessing, for all you are and all you are becoming?"
I can offer it by remembering that this is the space that creates both the most presence and transformation in my life.
"How might you soften your defenses so that you can be fully present?"
staying in my heart