Growth happens in frustration
How would it change our relationship to frustration, failure, and setback if we saw these experiences as the fuel we need to reach our highest potential?
“It’s okay to let him be frustrated,” our pediatrician advised at Noah’s four-month check-up. “Growth happens in frustration.” Noah, now almost eight months old, is exploring his environment by army crawling, reaching, stretching, and yes, putting everything in his mouth. Yet, he’s not ready to be fully independent, either. He wants the security of having me near while at the same time pushing me away.
His world is expanding.
So is ours.
I’ve been thinking about frustration a lot and wondering if it’s not the secret Miracle Grow of our lives. A catalyst for change before we realize we are ready for it. The first hint we are growing beyond what we have been.
I am the first to react with anxiety instead of curiosity. When I’m faced with repeated frustration, it’s been my habit to make an escape plan.1 To default into “all or nothing” thinking.
“How can you normalize the disruption, the constant, daily interruptions to your writing practice?” A wise friend asked me when I expressed frustration at not having enough time to work on my craft.
The image I had of myself being a writer meant having hours of time to be in “flow.” I fantasized about working in coffee shops all over the city, becoming a regular with my laptop and oat milk latte. I thought I’d need time to wander and let the Muse visit me while meandering down hidden alleyways or taking long walks in the forest by myself.
Not that these things can’t happen.
It’s just not what my current reality offers. Instead, I’m surprised to find ideas come to me in the grocery aisle at Aldi or the pediatrician’s office. They come while playing on the floor with Noah, between nursing sessions, and quick, often frustrating, walks with the dog.
I think I’ve often used frustration as an excuse to give up. A reason to procrastinate doing the thing or staying with the situation that’s causing irritation. It’s tempting to say, “I’ll become a writer when I have more time, when Noah goes to school, or when I retire.”
I wonder how it would change our relationship to frustration, failure, and setback if we saw these experiences as the fuel we need to reach our highest potential? If we treated them as hallmarks of our growth?
The pearl does not exist without the irritation of the grain of sand.
The constraint of new motherhood has spurred more creative output than my dream of idling away hours at my favorite coffee shop. Frequent distractions force me to focus in micro-moments, making the most of every minute. It’s teaching me to persevere, showing me just how badly I want it and what I’m willing to do to make it a reality instead of a fantasy.
Spill the tea.
Where are you frustrated in your life?
What situations or people are you outgrowing?
How is change knocking at your door?
I’d love to hear from you!
I went into more detail about this tendency in “A packing list for crossing thresholds,” which I’ve now made available to paid subscribers (it was previously a Founding Member’s letter only).
This letter felt like a pep talk I didn’t know I needed. I’ve been frustrated with my job for a while, and I have a really amazing opportunity knocking at my door. Yet I find myself withdrawing... asking myself what if it’s more stressful? What if I don’t like my new colleagues? What if I can’t do the job? (Note: I don’t have a job offer, just a promising interview! And I’m already trying to escape.. to stay stuck in the familiar chaos I’m accustomed to).
Reading this reminded me: I’ve navigated many, many frustrating and unexpected things in life. I can trust myself to meet a new challenge and chart a path forward. Just like you couldn’t have imagined focusing and writing in micro moments while being a mom to a whole human infant... yet you are! You figured it out. And I know I have that capacity too. Thank you for the reminder 🤍
Thank you for sharing! When I'm going through growing pains I try to think of myself like a plant who has outgrown its pot. It's scary and stressful to be repotted but ultimately, it will foster more growth. These inbetween times are hard. I've never loved transitions but as I get older, I'm trying to see it as an opportunity to stay curious and tend to myself as lovingly as possible.
You've got this! I can't wait to hear more about your interview! <3