Go at the pace of the slowest part of you🐌

One big fail and some small wins this week

Welcome. If you’re new here, Heartbeats is a community for artists, caregivers, and messy humans. Subscribe for weekly reflections on motherhood, creativity, and stories of fragile hope. 💗

Hello.

I had it on my calendar and was really looking forward to it. So much so that when my husband said he was feeling under the weather and wouldn’t be joining us for the neighborhood potluck, I was furious. It’s been gray and cold for weeks. February is always the hardest month of the year—no matter how it tries to fool me with the length of its days.

In my mind, this potluck—a chance to get out of the house and share food with our neighbors, was going to fix everything.

It would salve the lingering loneliness of winter. It would lessen my anxiety about the end of the world and prove that there were people within arms’ reach we could depend on when it all comes crashing down.

I mean, the proof was in the pot—a giant stew of black bean chili I made like a scene from “Como agua para chocolate,” stirring in all the chiles and literal pieces of dark chocolate until it was almost silky.

If only I looked this good cooking.

So when I huffed out the front door, dragging Noah along with me and avoiding my husband’s eyes out of petty outrage, I still held some hope this potluck might redeem the fight it had just caused and be worth the effort.

You know what happened, right? I showed up at the community center a few blocks from our house, chili and toddler in tow to realize it was closed. The potluck was the night before. I’d totally missed it.

Not very redeeming. Definitely not a win for my marriage or community building. I came home like a dog with my tail tucked between my legs and spent the rest of the night sulking, feeling pretty shitty.

There are moments I know I’m made for— and yet, I let myself down. I fail to live up to my own expectations. The disappointment is truly debilitating.

That’s when I’m reminded of the advice to “Go at the pace of the slowest part of you.” Or, go at the pace of the most wounded part of you. The most human part. The most tired part. The most pissed-off part.

So often we’re conditioned to bypass our humanity and when we can’t—when we lose our cool or forget an appointment or fall sick or do something that contradicts our deepest held values—the resulting shame is usually worse than the inciting incident.

Newsflash—we’re all in the same figurative boat (let’s call it a planet)— flying on a rock through space, just doing our best.

It’s okay to slow down and move at a human pace and forgive yourself when it’s not as fast, calm, smart, or productive as you’d like.

To end on a more positive note, here are some other things I did this week that I’m calling small wins (for my fragile ego and I hope, the resistance, too).

These newsletters are 100% human-generated (no AI here!) and made with love. Please share this newsletter or become a paying subscriber. Your support is appreciated! 💖

🎬Watched Slumberland.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling especially pissy and skin-crawly, it’s really just some grief, needing an outlet. This was a sweet, tender film about a girl who loses her Dad and the misadventures she goes on in the wake of his death, trying to get him back. I snuck into the guest room to watch it and cry in peace and felt a little better.

🚫Cancelled my Amazon Prime subscription and deleted Facebook and Instagram from my phone.

It was a lot easier than I thought and I haven’t missed doom scrolling one bit. Instead of shopping at Whole Foods, I swapped the $14.99 monthly Amazon fee for a $5 membership fee at Thrive Market, an alternative I’m exploring that stocks organic and sustainable brands. (They don’t have produce but they have most pantry items as well as dairy, meat, and frozen goods).

💸Listened to the podcast episode, “Why this Finance Expert Says You Don’t Need to Budget,” and learned SO much (thanks for the rec, Marina 💗).

Who knew diet culture and budget culture had so much in common? My favorite takeaway from the episode was the phrase, “de-naturalize capitalism,” which I’ve thought about all week.

How can we not only divest from the patriarchy but re-invest and reimagine economic models that align with our values and sustain life? (More on this from me soon)!

I also discovered that you can invest in Certified B corporations.¹ Yale Center for Business and the Environment has a whole resource you can download for free if you’re interested and want to learn more.²

💃Danced with Noah.

Since Christmas, he’s been obsessed with putting on music and jumping, twirling, and running around the dining room table. No matter what mood I’m in, when he says, “Come dance, mommy!” I know everything is going to be okay.

💞Had several “check-in” conversations with long-distance friends.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but the beginning of this year feels sort of like the early months of 2020. We need to check on our people, regularly.

During one of these heart-to-hearts, I realized, and finally said out loud, “I don’t think we can back ourselves off the edge of this cliff. So I want to figure out how to put on a parachute and survive the fall.”

Accepting what is and pivoting my energy toward surviving and creating a post-aftermath existence somehow feels a lot more hopeful than trying to stop it all from burning down.

Until next time.

All my love,
Mariah

Your turn.

I’d love to hear from you!

What were your wins or fails this week?

What does your metaphorical parachute look and feel like?

How can we help each other soften the landing on the other side?

Ways to support my writing and this community

Heartbeats is a community for creatives, caregivers, and messy humans who believe in the power of generative storytelling. By financially contributing to Heartbeats you are saying yes to collaboration, connection, and creating sacred spaces where we can heal, learn, and honor each other with care.

• Send this letter to a friend or share on social media

• Leave a 💗or comment

• Reach out for a collaboration

• Make a one-time contribution via Venmo (@thebarefootbeat) or Paypal

Thank you for your presence here. 💞

1. B Corps are my only favorite corporations. Here’s what they are and why it matters.

2. The Value of B Corps: What Investors Need to Know