Thanks for this reminder, Jacqueline. We’ve said from the first day that the rule is no martyrs in our family…but having come from a long line of them, it’s a hard cycle to break! Grateful for the plentiful examples of women like you and parents everywhere who are modeling how to love and care for another while still caring for ourselves. 💗
My son is grown now but I remember the guilt when I decided to take him to day care for a couple of mornings so I could go to a design class at college. I remember my husband thought nothing of it and said “why don’t you take him everyday?” I was like, what?!! Don’t you know my heart is already breaking with the guilt of wanting some tiny bit of my life for myself? My son grew up just fine and I was a better mom for allowing myself to pursue my passion.
I haven’t finished reading but just had to comment ‘Yes’ to all your questions before I finish. Yes you are allowed to…yes it is fair. You are allowed to because it is your experience and that’s what makes it valid. It doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to make it valid.
I think it is good to be aware that we can come from certain privileged backgrounds but I also feel this has caused us to swing from one end of the spectrum to the opposite; we have often gone from unaware of our privilege to not allowing ourselves to have an emotional response to life’s hardships. You are allowed to feel through it.
I have felt a lot of this including my husband working full time while also caring for us. I viewed it as picking up the slack instead of doing whatever a season called for to love his family. I have flinched away from the rising emotions and worried over the potential hurts my lack may cause my child. For me, this is precisely where the gospel message holds me together.
I rely on knowing perfection cannot exist from us and we are loved despite it all. I rely on Jesus making the work finished and complete meaning that the fallen world is always being mended and will soon be healed.
Mom guilt is real. I am grappling with a guilt where I planned a 2 weeks to go back to my home land while spending a week there to reconnect with my good friends on a trip and then with my family. It is also a privilege, with my husband taking care of our young kids with help from his parents. Now that my toddler has the "only mama phase", makes it even harder for me to look forward to my trip.
But a child therapist told us, we have to give our children the credit, and have faith in them that they will be fine and they are capable little ones.
Your transparency here is a gift to Motherhood in Modernity, and so, to each of us and our children. My children are well into their adulthood now, this phase of mothering a different and not so physically demanding phase. And still, there is not one existential hard knock they go through now that that maternal readymade guilt doesn't come flying in to wag a finger at me. What you are doing now for yourself is a gift to your child. Mothering in Modernity conditions us to be something that would rob our children of coming to see, relate with, and love us––***and themselves***––as human beings. If I may, I offer this, which you already know: Go (to work, on a walk, retreat, and, and, and. . .), and if the voice gets loud, quiet it with your own gentle self-mothering. Difficult does not mean wrong. Loving self opens the inner presence every mother needs to be a foundation of love for our children.
Much gratitude, again, to you for this transparency.
Mariah, this is such a powerful post. Mum guilt is so complex and like you say it weaves its way into all aspects of mothering, but actually a lot of the time it stops us from seeing everything we are doing well as mums - which by the sound of your post is a whole lot! Yes you do deserve to complain and yes it's OK to get a part time job to be out of the house - it's by speaking our truth and sharing our stories that we help other mums too - it's that connection you talk about in your post. Also, I feel you on the toddler tantrums, my eldest had particularly bad ones for around a year and gosh my mental health took a huge nosedive. It is very hard to deal with the extreme emotions multiple times a day!
Thanks for this reminder, Jacqueline. We’ve said from the first day that the rule is no martyrs in our family…but having come from a long line of them, it’s a hard cycle to break! Grateful for the plentiful examples of women like you and parents everywhere who are modeling how to love and care for another while still caring for ourselves. 💗
My son is grown now but I remember the guilt when I decided to take him to day care for a couple of mornings so I could go to a design class at college. I remember my husband thought nothing of it and said “why don’t you take him everyday?” I was like, what?!! Don’t you know my heart is already breaking with the guilt of wanting some tiny bit of my life for myself? My son grew up just fine and I was a better mom for allowing myself to pursue my passion.
I haven’t finished reading but just had to comment ‘Yes’ to all your questions before I finish. Yes you are allowed to…yes it is fair. You are allowed to because it is your experience and that’s what makes it valid. It doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to make it valid.
I think it is good to be aware that we can come from certain privileged backgrounds but I also feel this has caused us to swing from one end of the spectrum to the opposite; we have often gone from unaware of our privilege to not allowing ourselves to have an emotional response to life’s hardships. You are allowed to feel through it.
I have felt a lot of this including my husband working full time while also caring for us. I viewed it as picking up the slack instead of doing whatever a season called for to love his family. I have flinched away from the rising emotions and worried over the potential hurts my lack may cause my child. For me, this is precisely where the gospel message holds me together.
I rely on knowing perfection cannot exist from us and we are loved despite it all. I rely on Jesus making the work finished and complete meaning that the fallen world is always being mended and will soon be healed.
I’m sending you love.
Admiring your courage ❤️
Mom guilt is real. I am grappling with a guilt where I planned a 2 weeks to go back to my home land while spending a week there to reconnect with my good friends on a trip and then with my family. It is also a privilege, with my husband taking care of our young kids with help from his parents. Now that my toddler has the "only mama phase", makes it even harder for me to look forward to my trip.
But a child therapist told us, we have to give our children the credit, and have faith in them that they will be fine and they are capable little ones.
Mariah,
Your transparency here is a gift to Motherhood in Modernity, and so, to each of us and our children. My children are well into their adulthood now, this phase of mothering a different and not so physically demanding phase. And still, there is not one existential hard knock they go through now that that maternal readymade guilt doesn't come flying in to wag a finger at me. What you are doing now for yourself is a gift to your child. Mothering in Modernity conditions us to be something that would rob our children of coming to see, relate with, and love us––***and themselves***––as human beings. If I may, I offer this, which you already know: Go (to work, on a walk, retreat, and, and, and. . .), and if the voice gets loud, quiet it with your own gentle self-mothering. Difficult does not mean wrong. Loving self opens the inner presence every mother needs to be a foundation of love for our children.
Much gratitude, again, to you for this transparency.
With love,
Renée
Mariah, this is such a powerful post. Mum guilt is so complex and like you say it weaves its way into all aspects of mothering, but actually a lot of the time it stops us from seeing everything we are doing well as mums - which by the sound of your post is a whole lot! Yes you do deserve to complain and yes it's OK to get a part time job to be out of the house - it's by speaking our truth and sharing our stories that we help other mums too - it's that connection you talk about in your post. Also, I feel you on the toddler tantrums, my eldest had particularly bad ones for around a year and gosh my mental health took a huge nosedive. It is very hard to deal with the extreme emotions multiple times a day!