You deserve your best effort

A pep talk from rock bottom (tears and expletives included)

Welcome. If you’re new here, I’m a writer, new mama, and grieving daughter, exploring what it means to fully embrace the creative messiness of life. I share whole-hearted, weekly reflections to help us remember our shared humanity. Thank you for being here.

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Hello. 

I’m writing from Chattanooga, the “Scenic City” where it is still sinking in that I live in the mountains now. Our move to Tennessee went smoother than expected and the only prayer my heart has left is, “thank you.” I will write more about our journey soon but need a little more time to settle in and process it all. 

The view from our deck at sunset. Chattanoga, TN 2023

Instead, I’d like to take this opportunity to travel back in time and share a pep talk from my past. Around two years ago, I took myself on a self-made writer’s retreat to finish editing a book I’ve been writing for almost a decade now. I spent ten days alone in a converted garage/studio in Arkansas writing (and crying) my heart out. I knew then that it was a big deal, something I needed to do in order to close one chapter and make room for the next.

My writer’s retreat, July 2021

I’ve always believed in the power of storytelling to heal. Yet, rewriting my own stories was an intense medicine I wasn’t totally prepared for. Saying goodbye to them was like saying goodbye to a version of me. It made room for something else, something more to be true, too.

A lot of things happened during my retreat.

Editing a paper manuscript on the front porch, July 2021

The administrator I’d worked closely with as a school nurse during the pandemic called me to say he’d be leaving his position two weeks before classes resumed. I had a yelling match with a family member over my Dad’s belongings while still in the throes of grief, miles away and helpless to intervene. I mourned the loss of my last true love while recognizing that our story had its chance and it was time to write a new one. In fact, it was during that trip that I decided I was ready to try dating again and matched with my husband on Hinge.

I had no idea how transformative or difficult those ten days would be.

Thankfully, I made a commitment to record the process in daily video diaries. I’m not really sure what my intention was, surely, it wasn’t to publicly share any of them. But after re-watching one recently, I felt so much love and compassion and gratitude for past me. She was hurting so much. And trying so hard.

The Arkansas humidity didn’t help my frizzy hair! Writer’s retreat, July, 2021

If you’ve struggled with control issues in your creativity (like me) or feel like you’ve hit rock bottom in your grief, this video is for you.

I hope it reaches through time to offer you the pep talk you need to keep going– through the tears and frustration. Persevere. Bet on yourself, again and again. Keep going. You can do this. You deserve your best effort. The journey isn’t over yet.

All my love,
Mariah

Your turn.

1. What advice would you give a past version of yourself?

2. Is there something you are holding onto that you can release, with trust that you can make it through whatever the outcome?

3. Who can you reach out to for support? We all need the help of our friends, family, and mentors to get through our hardest times. How can this community be a safety net of connection for you?
   

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