To baby or not to baby

The choices we're afraid to make

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This essay is deeply personal and may be sensitive for those contemplating parenthood, struggling to conceive, or experiencing loss. Please be gentle with yourself if this isn’t the right time to continue reading.

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Hello.

“Is it because of me?” My husband asks, his arms tightening around my waist under the covers, the rare vulnerability evident in his voice. I hesitate before answering.

I wonder if he can feel it in my body—those places I have not yet forgotten (forgiven?), the unexpected late nights spent raising our voices above the relentless screams of an inconsolable newborn.

The tightness of a nervous system not yet recovered from those months and years of being in a steady, sleep-deprived state of fight or flight.

The days of early motherhood exhaustion layered with fierce love.

“It’s…more complicated than that,” I finally respond, wondering how much truth I’m willing to reveal to him and myself.

The topic of a second baby is a persistent one between us.

How can you even think about it, given the state of things? I want to ask, steam rising and the temperature shifting like we are circumnavigating a landscape filled with unstable geysers, my anger palpable as it rises to the surface.

The state of the world, the state of us, the state of you and Noah, not to mention my body, our health, your mother…the list goes on.

I take a breath and try to re-focus the blame.

Because surely, something must be blamed for my body’s unwillingness to consider being a vessel for more life.

It’s not his fault, really. Is it mine?

Behind exciting pregnancy announcements and glossy family photos are layers of grief, uncertainty, and quiet courage, no matter what we choose. Keep reading below for my raw, unfiltered reflections about growing our family.💗

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