Pulling the thread

I am one of those people who squirm in their seats whenever asked, “So, what do you like to do for fun?”

There are days I feel like a tightly wound-up ball. My body aches from too-many adult responsibilities and lack of play. 

I am one of those people who squirm in their seats whenever asked, “So, what do you like to do for fun?” Whether it’s a first date or casual conversation among friends. Fun is not something that comes easily to me.

I know what the right answers should be. But the truth is fun often feels like a chore. Another to-do list task to be checked off at the end of the day. It doesn’t feel playful or spontaneous.

I’m sure I’m not the only one. Maybe you also had a childhood punctuated by trauma. By carrying too much on young shoulders. 

It doesn’t always feel safe to play. 

We’re much more used to performing, adept at following someone else’s guidelines for how to behave, what to create.

Still. If I pull the thread there are clues. Memories of afternoons spent in my grandmother’s office making collages out of old gardening magazines. Of stirring the cookie dough and licking the spoon. Fashioning pretend mailboxes for my sisters and me to write little notes and letters to each other. Notebooks full of gel-pen song lyrics and primitive, angsty poems. 

Activities I did not because anyone told me to but because I wanted to. I enjoyed them. Got lost in the act. Didn’t have an outcome or goal in mind when I started. 

For years, I told myself I wasn’t creative. Where is the proof? My inner critic/grumpy gremlin demanded. And so the part of me that needed proof learned how to perform. Forgot how to play.

I am re-learning. Following the thread. Listening for the clues my inner child whispers in a sing-song voice. A poem with a defiant tone (and Fred Durst mention) penned in purple ink. That time I got my first testimony published in a church newsletter. Stacks of cards and journals full of messy handwriting. Recipe books stained with egg yolk and butter. 

Tell me.

How do you play? Is fun an easy thing for you to experience? Why or why not?

If you pull the thread and follow it back to a time you didn’t need to perform, what were you doing? How were you spending your days? Do you have any souvenirs (sketches, photographs, memories) from that time?

I’d love to hear from you! Leave a comment with a snapshot or write a sentence or two about what you uncover. Let me know if you’d like to share it with others and I’ll include it in our next newsletter or social media!