Life {behind the scenes} 02.24
Puddles, frogs, and waterfalls: Updates and anecdotes from our little corner of the world.
Heartbeats started as an email to friends and family, a way to share poetry and connection during a new season of grief and motherhood. Today’s letter is a return to that more intimate invitation. I hope you enjoy a little peak of our life behind the scenes!
Hello.
I don’t remember the exact day, but by mid-February, the daffodils had bloomed. Beaten by the crocuses by a day or two, the grass suddenly turned the color of moss, dotted with pockets of gold and violet. There’s a romance happening, an initial rush of excitement like a new crush. Nature is seducing me with landscapes and seasons I’ve never seen before.
Since starting a nature journaling class at the beginning of the year, I am besotten by the rivers and waterfalls, the sloping boulders, and the way the soft, warming light filters through bare branches on well-worn trails. Thankfully, Noah is too. He’s become quite the outdoor enthusiast (or are we all born this way and simply unlearn our affinity to nature?), begging to be outside, even if it’s on the back deck or front porch.
He got his first pair of red rain boots and knows how to put them on himself, stomping around the house, ever ready for the next adventure of splashing in puddles or listening to the frogs.
The birdsong has gotten louder, waking me up before the sunrise. On days when the sky is clear, I’ve been trying to sit in the morning sun and let it warm my face. I read this is good for your thyroid, along with a daily dose of celery juice.
February kicked off a more intentional healing path for Prasunjit and I, since we are both dealing with chronic health issues. This means no gluten, dairy, or eggs for me (but I’m still eating a lot of chocolate!) and trying to reduce my caffeine intake (I’ve been substituting a cup of coffee with MUD/WTR. It’s not terrible!).
It’s an odd place to arrive, approaching what we hope will be our middle-aged years. An impossible math equation has inserted itself into our awareness— how do we make them count? How do we set ourselves up to be healthy in our sixties when Noah will be in his twenties? How can we give him (and by necessity ourselves) the very best?
If you’ve never tasted celery juice, it’s disgusting. It helps to know that each sip is setting an intention into motion. A prayer of hope, “Please let me have the energy I need to be there for him. Give me health and longevity for my son, if nothing else.” I used to think my parents’ lives started when I was born. Now I see how much life they had already carried with them and how much they gave so we could begin ours.
“It’s pretty much common knowledge that it takes 20 shells to have a community. That that’s about the minimum you need to survive, so. I think at first I was thinking, ‘We’re not gonna make it.’
But sometimes you just have to disregard those rules and think, ‘Well, actually, the rule is I want to be having a good life and stay alive. And not just survive but have a good life.’”
-Marcel the Shell With Shoes On
This weekend, I watched Marcel the Shell with Shoes On. Of course, I cried, more than once. My Grandma (the last living grandparent I have) fell and broke her hip just before Christmas. She’s since been placed in a nursing home with poor care and unreliable communication. I miss her so much.
More than anything, I miss the season of life when my grandparents were shelters I could run to, safe places with homecooked food and unconditional love.
It’s a strange feeling to be starting our own family without them. Their wisdom and love live in my bones, in the memories I hold inside my chest. But sometimes I’d just like to hear their voice in real time.
Work life and home life are still inextricably connected. Some days I’m grateful for the rhythm of this season, the extra time we get to snuggle in bed, and the afternoon walks we take together. Other times, I long for the atmosphere of an office, the missed camaraderie with co-workers and time to work that’s not dictated by the length of Noah’s nap. Not to mention an excuse to put on “hard pants,” as my friend calls them!
Honestly, I feel like it should be such a chill time. Hanging out with Noah, taking naps, reading and sketching, cooking, going on hikes (this is my ideal version of how I should be mothering). Instead, I’ve been plagued by insecurity and the stress of trying to start a new career while trying to enjoy this early season of motherhood.
My lack of confidence is mirrored by a lack of faith in the Universe and my determination to learn the rules so I can play a game I’m not even sure I want to win.
Without the external validation (and paycheck) you get from working for someone else, it’s hard to keep believing in yourself. As a creative person, it’s also hard to focus on what should be done in what order and know when to give up on an idea and when to persevere. Thinking of it like an eco-system, (thank you
and ) has helped me relax a bit more into the ebb and flow of my various projects.That being said, there are some signs of progress! This month, I attended two community events for creatives and refilled my cup with inspiration and genuine conversations. I also agreed to do some free-lancing for Workaway and a new tarot app called Moonlight.
I’m creating new monthly workshops (including a nature journaling class!) for Heartbeats and will continue hosting online Tea + Tarot events while also starting in-person events in Chattanooga. I also met with a yoga studio owner who is looking to partner with healers in the community, so there’s an opportunity to host workshops or one-on-one tarot readings in her beautiful space.
Querying for The Pattern Shop (my first manuscript) is on pause. I recently checked out Before and After the Book Deal by
(such a helpful read) from the library and it’s motivating me to get back to work. This will be round three of sending queries to agents and honestly, it’s been hard for me to maintain momentum.I want to spend time revising the query and opening pages, perhaps working with a book coach (share your recs if you have them!) to make sure it’s as clear and ready as possible. I’ve been working on this project since 2014, long enough that it’s hard to zoom out with an objective perspective.
Do I keep going? Do I give up? Do I wait another ten years to look at it again? The plan (for now) is to keep taking the next step.
Next month, Prasunjit will travel to India for three weeks to visit his parents, whom he hasn’t seen in seven years. Thankfully, Prasun has his green card now so it’s easier to navigate immigration challenges (staying home with a toddler alone on the other hand…if anyone wants to come visit while he’s away, you’re welcome to stay!)
There are so many benefits to being a multicultural family but also some downsides. I haven’t met my in-laws yet and was really hoping Noah and I could join him on this trip. Unfortunately, the timing just isn’t quite right yet. We’re hopeful they’ll be approved for a visa and can visit us later this year!
That’s a wrap on the happenings in our little universe this month.
I’d love to hear what’s going on in your corner of the world. Let’s send each other Christmas letters all year.
All my love,
Mariah
Heartbeats is a community for artists, caregivers, and messy humans who believe in the power of generative storytelling. By financially contributing to Heartbeats you are saying yes to collaboration, connection, and creating sacred spaces where we can heal, learn, and honor each other with care. Thank you for your presence here. 💞
OMG I watched Marcel on a plane and couldn't stop 😭 LOVE ♥️
Lovely update, I hope that the time when you are solo parenting is gentle. Xx