A star is born
On the inward pull of gravity, collapse, and finding light in the darkness
Hi! If you're new to Heartbeats, welcome. I'm Mariah, and I write about the messy, transformative intersection of caregiving and creativity. After a month away, I'm excited to share what I've been learning about collapse, transformation, and trusting the process. 💫
Hello.
I am in my star formation era, I repeat like a mantra, clutching this possibility close to my chest.
When new stars are being created from gaseous clouds, at first, there’s a heavy inward pulling of gravity. The weight becomes so dense, it leads to collapse. When the heat and pressure from that collapse reaches its peak, the energy begins to stabilize, creating an external source of light that can be seen for millions, or even billions of years.
But until then? Chaos.
I’m learning this firsthand as I navigate the internal collapse brought on by matrescence, or the process of becoming a mother, described as “the seismic shift [that] happens in every slice of the human pie, biologically, psychologically, socially, economically, existentially, ecologically and spiritually,” by clinical psychologist Aurélie Athan.1
Last night, my husband brought up a topic that’s been haunting me since holding our little one in my arms.
The algebraic question lingering in my head and heart goes something like this:
I want to stay home and care for our son
AND
I want to launch myself into a new creative career, becoming the writer I know I’m capable of
AND
it feels impossible to do both at the same time.
Complicate that with guilt for paying for childcare when I’m not earning a significant amount from my writing (yet) while simultaneously feeling too burned out to create or mother well.
“I feel like you’re staying home with Noah, not because you really want to but because you’re scared of spending more money to get help,” he said with gentle frustration.
My heart sank.
When we first became unexpectedly pregnant with Noah, I’d already decided it would be my last year working as a school nurse. When little one’s due date aligned perfectly with the end of the school year, it was an easy choice not to renew my contract. The out I’d been looking for.
Beyond staying home with Noah for those first three months, I had no expectations or plans for what I’d do next. Three years later, it feels like I keep pushing the deadline farther and farther out, struggling to find the momentum or energy required to do anything but maintain the status quo.
There have been moments of breakthroughs— realizing after two years of querying my novel “The Pattern Shop,” that I’m actually EXCITED to pivot to self-publishing. Watching Noah thrive and cultivating a beautiful community to support our family. Growing our first garden in a new home.
It’s not all hard.
But the dominant feeling remains—an inward pulling of gravity. A collapse of everything I thought I was capable of, a rearranging of my innermost parts. Waiting for the light to turn back on.
This summer, I paused all creative work to focus on nervous system recovery and just be-ing. In that intentional slowness and scaling back, some things have become very clear. The way forward doesn’t look anything like how it’s been. I cannot structure and strategize, and plan my way through this transformation.
The other thing that’s clear is that I need more than a month off to “re-calibrate.” I need a whole new template to operate from—one that prioritizes my body, intuition, and desire.
What I realized from my husband’s frustration was that denying my need for more support was having the opposite effect I intended—rather than helping my family by pushing beyond my limits and constantly feeling over capacity, I was causing a rift in our relationship by not allowing myself to receive.
The guilt and fear in my system whisper, “How dare you take up so many resources when you are not pulling your own weight. It’s not responsible to spend more money without proving you can earn it. How selfish and lazy of you. You think anyone else can afford to lay around while healing their nervous system? Ha. Who do you think you are that you can get away with it?”
Ooof.
Even with my husband’s kind reassurance that it’s okay, I still feel scared to accept conditions where that inward pull of gravity might finally stabilize and begin to radiate light.
Yet, I’ve been fighting my own needs, repeatedly trying to solve the impossible equation for so long, I don’t think I can do it anymore.
Today, while sitting outside on our deck for some quiet reflection, I pulled two tarot cards from The Rose Oracle from Rebecca Campbell. The first one was “Healing the Mother Line” (Healing. Ancestral Work. Mother line. Growing up),” and the second was “The Sacred Waters” (Nourishment. Replenishment. Health. Rest. Self-care).
And suddenly I understood.
This opportunity, the privilege and gift I have in front of me to rest, heal, and receive, isn’t just about me. It’s about healing generations of programming that’s disempowered our connection to abundance and our inherent worth.
It’s a turning point, not just for me but for future generations.
The other thing I learned is that star formations often happen in clusters. Rather than being born in isolation, they’re created from what scientists call “star nurseries,” when the conditions are just right to give birth to more light. Which is to say, these powerful transformations happen in community.
Perhaps you are in your star formation era, too?
If so, what does your body or heart need to feel safe to collapse and reform? Can you give yourself permission to let it unfold without knowing when or how new light will be born?
While I can’t promise any answers or guidance from the other side, I would love to hold this space with and for you as we navigate it together.
Understanding how our personal patterns of collapse and transformation connect to larger, cyclical moments in history is exactly what The Pattern Shop, my debut novel, explores. A work of fiction deeply influenced by my lived experiences and solo backpacking adventures, it’s been through its own evolution but is finally ready to shine bright!
A soft wind blew, rustling nearby trees. The smoke rose and cleared. The compass spun in every direction until the needle stopped and pointed at her. What if the fire brings new life? What if the darkness is our map to the light?
—The Pattern Shop 🦋
After two years of querying, I’m ready to “pivot and call it a pirouette.” Choosing to self-publish and midwife this project into the world, letting my body and intuition lead the way instead of waiting for permission from someone else, feels SO liberating. I’m excited to share the whole process with you!
My intention for seeing The Pattern Shop across the finish line is sacred collaboration.
I want to let go of control and cooperate with the energy of this story, while inviting others to participate.
Specifically, I’m looking to hire a copy/line editor with experience in literary fiction and a cover designer from our Heartbeats community who can help bring this story to life. I’d also love to cross-promote this book with other authors or creatives in a panel discussion, podcast, guest post, or other fun and creative ways!
If you’re interested or have someone you’d love to recommend, reach out by leaving a comment, sending me a message, or emailing: thebarefootbeat(at)gmail.com!
I’ll be writing and sharing more about The Pattern Shop in upcoming letters and posts on social media and our weekly Heartbeats Writer’s Chat. Let me know in the comments what you’d be interested in knowing from behind the scenes!
As always, thank you for your patience, presence, and generosity. This community is a beautiful testament to the strength and collective courage we can all draw from to show up as our most authentic, creative selves, no matter where we are in the process of becoming. I’m honored to share it with you.
All my love,
Mariah
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That image of gravity pulling everything inward until collapse, then the heat and pressure eventually stabilizing into light that can shine for billions of years ... yes, this feels like exactly what creative transformation looks like when you're in the middle of it. Such a beautiful way of putting it!!
Your recognition that you need "a whole new template to operate from" resonates so deeply. I've learned several times in life that the old ways of pushing through, of measuring my creative productivity by conventional standards, just don't work anymore. My body and intuition know this ... and then I forget and have to learn it again.
I especially love how you frame this as healing generational programming around worth and abundance. When I allow myself the spaciousness to heal and create from a place of genuine desire rather than obligation, it feels like I'm not just changing my own creative process but offering something different to the world. But doing it can be so hard sometimes!!!
Thank you for naming this as the radical act it is.
Ooooof feeling the chaos myself lovely. Definitely feeling like that star birthing era too. Coinciding with the end/start of a seven year cycle for me. Xx