A little backstory...
Who am I and why am I writing you this letter every week?
Next Wednesday I’ll be sending out the very first new moon letter packed with seasonal inspiration to nurture your creativity. Make sure you upgrade your subscription to get all the goodies inside. As a side note, please forgive the length of this letter. It’s far longer than my normal 500-word max but since there are many new subscribers here (welcome!), I thought it was time for a proper introduction :)
Hello.
My husband and I have been watching GLOW on Netflix together, a hilarious depiction of women acting as wrestlers in the 80s. In the show, there’s a fair amount of discussion about character development, back story, and method acting. Since this community has now grown beyond people I actually know in person (thank you for being here), I thought it might be fun to share my own back story.
So, why am I writing you this letter every week?
Before I had the audacity to call myself a writer, I was a reader. I inhaled books like A Language Older Than Words, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, Ishmael, and The Dirty Life: A Memoir of Farming, Food, and Love, among others. And when I say these books became my Bibles, I mean they saved me in a way I really needed at the time.
These stories made me feel less alone. Gave me hope for a different way of living. Introduced the possibility of more in the way of less. Less isolation, more connection.
This letter is an attempt to do the same.
I chose the name Heartbeats after reading a study that showed participants who are actively listening to a story actually begin to synchronize their heart rates. A congruence develops. There is measurable power in sharing and listening to each other's stories.
The name is also a way for me to honor my Dad who passed away from a heart attack in late 2020. If you’ll notice, the Heartbeats logo has a heart made of tree rings. He loved nature and especially loved learning that trees in a forest have ways of protecting and feeding each other through their root systems—another example of nature’s innate harmony.
I’m also currently writing from Kansas City, the heart of the Midwest, so Heartbeats carries a lot of significance for me.
And who am I, exactly?
This is a bit harder to define, so I thought I’d share a few defining moments that have impacted who I am today.
I’m the eldest daughter of three girls. My sisters are to this day, my best friends. We grew up in rural Missouri so I spent most of my childhood playing outside. I was also homeschooled, a fact I attribute to being a non-conforming weirdo (at times).
I went to college in Chicago, a city I still adore. I spent all of my free time riding the El and getting lost, exploring different neighborhoods. Wandering around a new city is one of my favorite ways to pass time and it started there.
I double majored in nursing and Spanish and spent a semester living in Morelia, Mexico where I fell hard for traveling (the food, the culture!). Returning to Chicago I experienced reverse culture shock for the first time and really struggled. I was suicidal for a few years after, an experience I’m so grateful I survived.
My parents separated my senior year, and after graduation I moved back to Kansas City to be with my family. Even though I questioned if it was the right fit while I was in nursing school, I got a job as an R.N. in the I.C.U., working nights for several years. This was a really difficult season of life. My family was unraveling at the same time I was still battling my own depression and anxiety. I spent sleepless nights reading a lot of the books I mentioned earlier and they were truly lifelines.
I desperately wanted a change and grew really interested in the impact our food has on our health. I considered being a farmer and worked on an organic, urban farm for a season. The work was too time-consuming (and didn’t pay enough) but I totally fell in love with farmers and became an even bigger foodie.
Since farming didn’t work out, I thought I’d try public health and took an international public health internship in Ecuador. I spent two months living in a little jungle town founded by the oil company Shell and some American missionaries. It was a weird experience. I read the book, When Helping Hurts while there and began learning more about colonization and how I might be perpetuating the “white savior complex.”
After Ecuador, I felt confident enough to really commit to long-term travel. I’d been saving money for two years, planning my exit strategy. I officially quit my nursing job (still one of the best decisions of my life), bought a mustard-yellow backpack and spent the next fourteen months backpacking solo around the world, visiting Mexico, France, Spain, Morocco, and Ghana.
I fell in love, was homeless, lost my passport (twice), was pickpocketed and got malaria and bed bugs. (You can read about those adventures on my blog, TheBarefootBeat).
It was the revolution I needed in my life. I learned how necessary community is for me. I learned how to trust life, let go of certainty, and that the majority of humans are truly kind, compassionate, and good. The experiences I had during my travels are what help me keep my faith in humanity, to this day. (Also, I don’t watch the news).
When I finally made my way back home to Kansas City again, I bought an old, big house (she was built in 1902!) and spent several years renting out the rooms. I believe intentionally creating community (by writing this letter, sharing our stories, opening our homes, etc.) is the antidote to isolation.
The vulnerability of connection is not easy but it is life-giving.
More recently, the defining moments of my life have included the unexpected loss of my father within the same year I met my future husband and became unexpectedly pregnant. Experiencing the intensity of grief while celebrating the joy of becoming a new mother has stretched my heart in ways I am still processing.
One of the many blessings the last two years have brought is an opportunity to leave my job as a school nurse to stay home with Noah and focus on my writing. My identity as a nurse and a writer has been a really tumultuous one for me, something I’ve wrestled with for a long time. There’s still a bit of tussling going on but my heart is full of gratitude for this time to sit and write to you. Thank you for being here and listening to part of my story.
It is my heartfelt desire to practice showing up here with as much vulnerability and authenticity as I can so that you might feel less alone. If there is something about my life that helps you accept and honor more of yours, I am beyond grateful.
We need each other. This world needs you.
This week’s invitation:
Write your own backstory or share a series of defining moments.
Why are you writing or making your art? What purpose is it serving in your life or for others?
Is there a main character (or two) in your story that’s shaped you? Send them a note or let them know they matter. Sometimes the people who impact us might not have a clue how much they mean to us. Even if they do, a little reminder can feed the soul!
P.S. If my writing connects with you, please pay what you can or consider upgrading to a paid membership. Your gift of reciprocity means the world. Thank you.
P.P.S. I will be traveling to Georgia next week and camping with no wifi. There won’t be a new chat thread this week but check out past chats and keep the conversation going!
Thanks for sharing this - it's a beautiful outline of a life well-lived so far. It's clear you have many journeys ahead of you. Cheers.
beautiful, Mariah, that was a lovely introduction to you. Thank you so much for sharing it with us 💚 It's always comforting to 'meet' the person behind the pen a little more intimately.